Tag Archives: apes

Money For Nothing

True story. When I lived in London, England for a year I worked as a personal assistant to a Belgian Prince. This dude was legit – after Princess Di divorced Charles, he was on the short list to be her new beau (this was prior to her untimely death, obviously). He lived in a gorgeous townhouse in Chelsea, and his next-door neighbor was Mark Knopfler. I can’t tell you how many times I lingered on the front doorstep as I was arriving or leaving, in hopes of catching sight of the Dire Straits front man. That would’ve been cool.

In a crazy coincidence, Thaddeus was also working as a PA in London at the time, just down the King’s Road in Knightsbridge. We probably even crossed paths once or twice! I’m always amazed by what a small world it really is.

Here’s a great Dire Straits tune, featuring Sting!

1:36 = PURE AMAZINGNESS.

Will I Ever Dance Again

Will I Ever Dance Again

Thaddeus’ comment this morning, when I put on Wildlife Pop again for the 10 billionth time: “Seriously…? Why don’t you just marry it?”

So I played the record on repeat for the entire day. Hahaha Thaddeus. In your face.

Actually though, by the end of the afternoon he was totally grooving on it too, and we just threw on this song and had an impromptu office dance party here at Mental Skillness HQ.

You can join our dance party too! Just press the ol’ PLAY button below:

Midrange Apes

monkey

Most of the work meetings I go to are pretty boring. I mean, I’m a Production Manager, so the things we discuss are production processes, and…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……

I know, right? SO not exciting.

The best meeting I attended though ended up being really fun because we got into the following discussion:

Len, our Digital Production Manager, explaining a new procedure for preflighting advertising material: “Look, it’s so easy, even an ape could do it…”

Me: “Okay, wait a second. What kind of ape are we talking here? One of those ones that knows how to communicate and do sign language and stuff? Or just your run-of-the-mill, midrange ape?

Joan, my colleague: “You mean like those apes that put on voice-capturing gloves and can talk?”

Me: “What?? That’s not a thing, is it? Shut up. Apes can actually TALK now?”

Joan: “Yeah, but they have to wear these special tech gloves…” (mimes pulling a glove up her arm).

Karen, another colleague: “Have you guys seen that movie where this gang of talking apes drives around on motorbikes, smoking and roughing people up?”

Me: “Oh my god, NO, I have never seen that. But I now really want to!”

Len: “Can we PLEASE get back to the matter at hand?”

I tried, you guys. I really tried. But I had started laughing so hard that I eventually had to leave the boardroom, because come on! Apes on motorbikes! And apes wearing tech gloves! It’s just all too amazing.

Anyway, look. I think that when you are having a conversation about apes, it’s always important to establish what kind of ape you’re talking about — i.e. whether it’s a supersmart one or merely a midrange ape. Not to discriminate or anything, but more because that information obviously changes the context. Like, if you’re telling me that something is so easy that an ape could do it, but in reality you’re talking about Nim Chimpsky or one of those smarties from Planet of the Apes or whatever (they were doctors!), then it’s really not all that simple a task, now is it? And then it stands to reason that I might possibly have a little trouble with it myself? I just don’t want to be held to impossibly high ape standards, is all I’m saying…you understand.

Art School

A friend of mine who is at OCAD (Ontario College of Art & Design) had his Grad Exhibition last night, which I attended to support him and check out his project. I was really excited about the event because I am obsessed with art school. There’s just something amazing about going to school for four years to paint, or sculpt, or take pictures, or whatever. And a lot of the stuff that people create in art school is really cool, but some of it is super pretentious and that is what I love the most. I love how art school students can be self-important and ridiculous, and not only does no one call them on it, but their narcissism is actually celebrated.* Actually, this is true of artists in general (not just art school students). Let me be clear here: I am one of the people celebrating this attitude. Maybe it sounds like I’m making fun of it, and if so my apologies because I’m totally not! People who take themselves and their art super seriously make me really happy. Because there is something awesome about reading someone’s explanation of how their painting of a hand with legs is a post-feminist critique of the way women are portrayed in the media. Like, YES. Go on! Tell me more!

*I would like to note that I mean no disrespect to my friend, because he is very down-to-earth and awesome so I would never include him in the category of pretentious artists.

I actually think one of the best jobs in the whole world would be that of an art critic. I would like to tour around galleries all day making up blurbs about what the artist was trying to convey and how their treatment of light and dark elements on the canvas is a representation of the inner struggle between good and evil that resides in the human psyche…

…Obviously I am just totally BS’ing here — because really, when you get right down to it, isn’t everything about the struggle between good and evil that resides in the human psyche? I mean, I could say that about Mad Men (which I’ve never watched), or Macbeth (which I’ve never read), and you would kind of believe me, right? But it doesn’t even matter, does it? No! And that’s the beauty of it. I love it how art is celebrated as being so important, when it is essentially kind of unimportant*…but that’s what makes it probably the MOST important thing we do, as human beings. Does that make sense at all? Not really. I know. I have no clue what I’m saying, either. This is what thinking about art school does to me! I LOVE IT!!

*For example, everything I have written here – not just in this post, but on this entire blog — is basically of no consequence to anyone or anything, in the grand scheme of things. And yet it is super important to me, and probably critical to my development as a person. So it is simultaneously completely vital and totally unnecessary.

Anyway. Enough of this foolishness. Below, please find a few snapshots of the art that I witnessed on display last night.

First of all, here’s my friend’s awesome project. He’s in Industrial Design and he created what is essentially high-tech, digital, streamlined system for guitar effect pedals:

tweak

tweak

My 15 minutes of fame (that’s me in the pictures!)

More art school amazingness:

machine life

Machine vs. Man: a visual dissertation on how technology and nature struggle to co-exist in a tentative, restless balance.

dress

I almost wore this exact outfit, but changed at the last minute. Thank god. That would have been embarrassing.

drole

Isn’t it, though?

deer

You guys…I think the man is going out to shoot the deer? Or maybe he’s going to chop down the tree. I love the ambivalence here.

print is over

Fuck. I knew it! Time to start looking for a new job…

owl

Hello, friend!

At art school, even the graffiti in the stairwells is awesome:

vamp

This door is reserved for vampires.

sexit

Heh.

fuck

Swearing is an art form.

As a bonus, Thaddeus and I discovered our art school dopplegangers — i.e. what we would look like if we were turned into art school projects:

art school Thaddeus

Art School Thaddeus

art school MSkillz

Art School MSkillz

Chimpanzees in Evening Clothes

I was doing some research for another post that I’m writing, and in the process came upon an article from the February 18, 1918 issue of The Toronto World newspaper. Any story featuring an ape in it’s headline is bound to catch my attention, of course, and I have to say the article is pretty awesome. See for yourself:

chimp news article

So much amazingness going on here! First of all, a chimpanzee in evening clothes is an automatic win right off the top. I have no idea if this article is just someone’s idea of a joke — but it appeared alongside serious pieces about coal shortages and other important topics, so I have no reason to believe that it’s not true. Therefore I’m going to treat it as such, since the idea of a chimp in a top hat strolling around New York City it certainly the best thing I’ve heard all day!

Introducing the Newest Member of the Mental Skillness Team…

Well, what a coincidence. Just yesterday I was remarking that I am in dire need of a monkey assistant. As luck would have it, one showed up at my door this morning. Ask, and ye shall receive!

His manner was personable and his references impeccable, so I hired him on the spot. So, I am very pleased to introduce to you my new Executive Personal Assistant, Thaddeus:

thaddeus

The fact that we share similar taste in eyewear was a good icebreaker, and I took it as a sign from the universe that this guy was destined to work for me.

He has already reorganized my filing and made me a killer latte, so I have the feeling that this is going to work out very well indeed. And I think I am a decent employer, so hopefully it’ll be a good fit for all parties. At least I am not this type of boss:

Please join me in welcoming Thaddeus to the Mental Skillness team!

Sneaking Into Movies

skillin' at the movies

A little while ago I wrote about going to the movies alone, which I did today and it was awesome.

Another awesome thing to do is sneak into a second movie after your first one is done, which I also did today. Now, I know that some of you out there might find this a bit morally reprehensible, but let me assure you that it is not. When our parents used to go to the movies, the price of admission was around $2, and when our grandparents went to see a show, it was like 5 cents. And that price probably included popcorn! Nowadays, going to a movie will set you back about $14. And that is a little bit crazy. I mean, it’s not horrible, and if I was a millionaire then I obviously wouldn’t even think about it…but then again, if that were the case I would be watching movies in style, on my private jet en route to my own personal tropical island, where my staff of trained monkey assistants were waiting on hand to do my bidding.

Speaking of which, I was thinking the other day about the kind of monkey I’d like to have as my executive personal assistant, a super smart one with a name like Thaddeus who spoke in a British accent. I could dictate letters to him and he would type them up for me, and this is actually a total necessity in my life right now because when I was taking notes in class the other day I realized that since the advent of computers my handwriting skills have gone completely to hell. Seriously, my printing is at the level of, like, a 5 year old. So I really do need a monkey assistant, is what I’m saying.

Anyway, sneaking into movies absolutely does not make you a bad person. So go ahead and do it…and take your monkey assistant with you! He could use a break from all that typing.

“And yet…as a race, they’ve developed no baking skills…”

I was watching This is Spinal Tap this weekend and it reminded me of the fact that my favorite part isn’t actually even in the official version of the movie. It’s one of the deleted scenes, where the band goes to the zoo and gets into a discussion about apes:

“They’re not a race though, they’re a genus.”
“Well, some of them are smarter than others…”

Venn Diagrams

venn love

…and they love me.

In fact, we are getting married — and you’re invited! Blape is the best man/minister. The wedding will take place in the sky.

wedding

Consider this your ‘Save the Date’.

The Gashlycrumb Tinies

Gashlycrumb Tinies

I don’t know if you are familiar with the Gashlycrumb Tinies. They are a series of rhyming couplets written by Edward Gorey, published in 1963, detailing the deaths of 26 children (one for each letter of the alphabet). You can read them all here. As someone who is terrified of death and obsesses daily over the various ways in which I might perish in a freak accident (or just a normal one, for that matter*), you would think that I wouldn’t like them. But I find these macabre little vignettes highly amusing.

*Professor Plum: “What are you afraid of, a fate worse than death?”
Mrs. Peacock: “No, just death. Isn’t that enough?”

A few years ago my friend Adam and I were bored at work so we started e-mailing our own rhyming couplets back and forth to one another, inspired by the Gashlycrumb Tinies. I was reading through the list this morning and I started laughing so hard that I literally had tears in my eyes. The other people on the bus were giving me some odd looks, that’s for sure. Anyway, if I can find this much merriment in the prospect of my own demise, my friends, then I suppose you could consider it another example of some positive reframing.

Here’s our version:

S is for Sam who can’t breathe underwater
A is for Adam, bitten hard by an otter

A is for Adam, murdered by a whore
S is for Sam who walked into a door

A is for Adam, unaware his trial’s rigged
S is for Sam – zagged where she should have zigged

A is for Adam, taken out by a rocket
S is for Sam who unplugged her eye-sockets

A is for Adam who was plain over-ripe
S is for Sam, too much crack in her pipe

A is for Adam, convinced he could fly
S is for Sam, at the zoo, drunk on rye

A is for Adam, all thumbs with a saw
S is for Sam, squished to death by her bra

A is for Alex, who despised Adam’s smirk
S is for Sue, who thought Sam was a jerk

B is for Blape, who floated away
A is for Adam who called it a day

S is for Sam, beaten up by her friends
A is for Adam who suffered the bends

A is for Adam, impaled by a chair
S is for Sam – ate a poisonous pear

A is for Adam, who’s ego erupted
S is for Sam, slain by crows she corrupted

A is for Adam, who jumped, but too soon
S is for Sam, out of air on the moon

A is for Adam, punched out by a clown
S is for Sam who tripped on her gown

A is for Adam who’s head did explode
S is for Sam gobbled up by a toad